I AM CAPABLE- Teachings from Rosemary

Hello World Family,

What can I say, 2020 is gone, and 2021 is here.
I could go on to say just how much of a shit show 2020 was for a majority of the world. But do you recall just how quickly the planet began to heal when the Earth stood still? Everything cleared up when we all just stopped 'doing' our everyday lives, and I say doing, because most of us certainly were not living or even being, and that year really showed us just that. It gave us time and space to discover how we want to BE, how we want to LIVE, and what we want to CREATE within our worlds.
2020 brought with it many gifts. It forced us to get real, to see what truly matters in the grand scheme of things as we carry out this life journey.
But now here we are, we made it to 2021, equipped with all kinds of new tools, and skills that we learned when we just got still, and spent time with ourselves, many of us clearing out our closets as it were, and embracing our inner demons. We were forced to do the inner work, the shadow work, as that is what has been needed in the collective. Do not fear the dark my loves.
I don't want to go into too much detail of just how much was lost that year, but perhaps to talk about just how much was gained, even from the loss.
I know things are hard at the best of times, and sometimes we forget that the Universe is always providing us with exactly what we need in these moments of hardship. It may not always be clear at the time, but with patience, self-love, and compassion, clarity is found. Remembering that healing is not linear, but more of a spiral that moves up and down, and all around, think of a scribble on a piece of paper, that's what healing looks like, go ahead draw a scribble of your liking, and smile as you do.
To move through the emotions that come up with every experience, as we are here to experience it all, every ounce from grief and sorrow, to love and joy. One cannot be experienced without fully accepting the other and the message it has for you. I know it's hard, and fuck is it ever scary, but you are so strong, stronger than you know.
That's something I discovered in my 2020 was my Strength. I really paid attention to my inner warrior and just how much I have carried through my life. My own as well as others baggage, old out dated stories that I carried with me from childhood, that somehow I fell for every word I was ever told, probably because I was very naive and gullible and always bleieved in the best in everyone, and that we all mean well. I was carrying a lot, while also doing my very best to carry myself to wholesome and complete love, sounds familiar?. 
But through it all I saw just how capable I am.

'I am Capable', the words I received that year when partaking in a Plant Ally quest with the ever culinary versatile herb called Rosaminus Officinalis or better known as Rosemary, which by the way I am now a practicing herbalist thanks to Fireweed Farm and School, I got the piece of paper that says so, and everything. Rosemary is such a beautiful Queen of a plant. Her flowers so expressive and open in the Spring to welcome all who needed something from her. Except every being welcome would often give something in return, as that is often how Nature works, it's a beautiful dance of give and receive.

How the bees visit a flower to collect the nectar, and spread the pollen so that plants can reproduce, it's like everywhere they go they leave a little sprinkle of pixie dust to every plant they visit, and life can keep on thriving. 
Taking this herbal course was amazing on many levels. I connected with so many like minded women, and learned a plethora of information of our ever abundant natural world. So many wonderful allies were discovered with connections abound, along with so much medicine that was shared amongst all beings. I was amazed at how much I accomplished within that course, when it seemed like my whole world was coming crashing to the ground. Imagine if you will a foundation of a home that was built on shaky and unstable ground, and eventually that home comes crashing down, and you try your best to rebuild hoping it will be better and that things will change for the better this time, only to find that nope, that just isn't the case. There is too much instability and pain here. Pain from both sides of those who wanted to build this home together. 
I've always wanted to explore a more independent life, and well I am getting exactly what I've been asking for, and I welcome it now. I would say I'm not afraid, but the truth is deep down part of me is terrified. But with every breath, every step, all I keep remembering is what Rosemary taught me. I am capable.

I had a moment of awakening where I once again broke the rules within my relationship, and being the sensitive that I am, I decided that instead of beating myself up, and carrying shame, and guilt around the choices I made within my actions,  that I wasn't going to go down that road anymore, that downward spiral that only leads to more hurt if we keep travelling that road, but seeing that had I never allowed myself to go on that ride downward, I would have never known how to stand back up. It was an a-ha moment for me, and I felt it's what I have been needing to learn all this time, but just was never able to fathom or see how that was even possible. I wasn't going to keep self sabotaging myself and my progress to make others feel better. No, I was going to pick myself adjust my fucking crown, and move forward.

Unfortunately that kind of attitude came across as someone who didn't care. That could not have been further from the truth. I was told that it would be better if I did show remorse through past patterns of beating myself up, because apparently that's how one shows they care? That did not feel right at all, and I didn't want to go there anymore. I showed remorse mind you, just in the silence of my own Being, and not for the audience of who wanted to see it live, so they could feel better about themselves. I didn't want to go through the same shit that I would put myself through in the past, I didn't want to shut down, to stop taking care of myself, and stop doing anything that would bring me joy, that was just a slow death waiting to happen. I didn't want to live like that anymore, NO! Enough was enough.
In that moment I adjusted my crown, I held my head high, and I said look at me living life, and learning that I am so strong. I AM CAPABLE. 
I've done the work and still continue to do so, I've gone for the help gaining what I can to shift the world within me, and I have been through the shit in my life, only to be exactly who I am today, and where my strength has come from, and you know what? Even though this Being that is Octavia can go through Hell, she can still smile, and laugh at life, she can still keep her heart wide open with so much love and compassion, because you know why? Three simple words,
I AM CAPABLE.
WE ARE CAPABLE. 

Keep Shining Bright my Loves.

All Photos taken by Octavia Dulenty.